The Children’s Bible In A Nutshell

You may have read this before, but, it’s timeless.

A Child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

Through the eyes of a child:

In the beginning, which was near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I think he must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said ‘Give me a light’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked but they weren’t embarrased because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Then came Noah, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whos real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lites out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lites every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments.  These include:  Don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

After the Old Testament there was the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the new.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me ‘Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?  It would be nice to say ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

Jesus had twelve opposums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But some guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.