The Recession Hits Everybody......

 1.        I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

  2.       Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

  3.       CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

  4.       Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

  5.       A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

  6.       I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

  7.       If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call and ask if they meant you or them.

  8.       McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

  9.       Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

10.       Parents in  Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

11.       My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

12.       A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

13.       A picture is now only worth 200 words.

14.       When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

15.       The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

16.       Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

17.       I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck. 

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Leave the rest to God.

A Little Humor To Lighten Things Up

 1.        Birds of a feather flock together and _ _ _ _ on your car.

  2.       A penny saved is a government oversight.

  3.       When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.  It makes the neighbor’s mean dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

  4.       The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing, at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.

  5.       The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because your body and your fat cells have become such great friends.

  6.       The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

  7.       He who hesitates is probably right.

  8.       Did you ever notice?:  the Roman Numerals for forty(40) are “XL.”

  9.       If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

10.       If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

11.       The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

12.       Did you ever notice?:  When you put the words “The” and “IRS” together they spell “Theirs.”

13.       Dogs Beg … Cats Demand.

14.       There’s always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it.  For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

15.       What’s the secret to facing a birthday?  Accepting mortality?  Aging well?  Looking towards an uncertain future with optimism?

I’d have to say … beer.

The Children’s Bible In A Nutshell

You may have read this before, but, it’s timeless.

A Child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

Through the eyes of a child:

In the beginning, which was near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one’, but I think he must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said ‘Give me a light’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked but they weren’t embarrased because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Then came Noah, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whos real name was Charlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lites out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lites every day with manicotti.  Then he gave them his Top Ten Commandments.  These include:  Don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

After the Old Testament there was the New Testament.  Jesus is the star of the new.  He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.  (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me ‘Close the door!  Were you born in a barn?  It would be nice to say ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

Jesus had twelve opposums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But some guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus went up to heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.  His return is foretold in the Book of Revolution.

A Little Christian Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy...." the young  boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my  favorite)

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There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the  lady.

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"Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

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Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's

Sunday School lesson was about.
He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is coming."